Wednesday, August 23

How you know you’re Mauritian.

  • Your parents think you’re doing you’re homework…. But you’re on msn.
  • You have ‘Mauritius’ T-shirts with sunsets and dolphins and a stash of Ralph Lauren shirts from that factory everyone goes to, but hardly/never wear them.
  • There’s a karom board lodged in a corner of your house somewhere.The only time you play karom is in Mauritius…It hurt your fingers/nails.
  • You have an uncle who’s like, a karom champion.You got uncles and cousins back home who are badminton champions.
  • Your favourite food is Rougaille but you tell all your white friends ‘Spaghetti Bolognese’
  • You have sega music on your computer.
  • Your parents secretly know how to dance sega-… so do you…. Well its not hard now is it? alalilaaaaa
  • You have bare fresh cousins flocking into England saying they come to study but end up dossing and partying more than you.
  • What is with the brides’ make-up at weddings? TALK ABOUT DULUX BRILLIANT WHITE PAINT.
  • you’ve tried ‘Fair and Lovely’ cream at some point and so has all your cousins but it dried out your skin/gave you a rash, so you thought…..hmmm no.
  • …you haven’t told anyone you tried ‘Fair and Lovely’.
  • The biryani at your uncles wedding was done by a guy called ‘chi bhai’
  • The biryani at all British Mauritian weddings you’ve been to was overcooked with more elaichee and kanel than rice.
  • Every family occasion consists of biryani…followed by lamousse.You don’t really like lamousse yet get forced to eat the filling dessert after being stuffed with biryani.
  • Biryani and lamousse always taste better in Mauritius.
  • Your parents already start buying stuff to bring for family in Mauritius a year before they actually go.
  • Mauritius family never bring anything truly decent when they come to England. Apart from… fris cristalise, piment confi, those twiggy crisps, vanilla tea, zasaar, aaaaaaaaand of course BOXES OF KRAFT CHEDDAR.
  • Kraft cheddar is the only cheese you eat and there’s always a stash of boxes that never seem to finish somewhere in the fridge or a cupboard.
  • You get really excited when you hear about a Mauritian party somewhere because it gives you warm sense of identity on the inside but yet go to check our the opposite sex and hope they’re not your cousin.
  • Most Mauritians are related to you in some way or other that only your dad can figure out.
  • Your mum/dad call Mauritius using cheap phonecards at like 6 in the morning so that ‘la lin la clear’…They still spend half an hour trying to figure out who they’re talking to
  • You’re family from Mauritius never seem to call England though.
  • You’re parents drink tea almost every hour and you’ve been taught to make it since you was like 2 years old
  • Tea in Mauritius always tastes better
  • (Muslims-) How excited did you get when eating the halal KFC and Pizza Hut and McDonalds when back home??
  • There’s never a weekend where ‘kompanye’ don’t randomly turn up.
  • Your dad and uncles and all your family back in Mauritius either support Liverpool or Man United….yet if you’re a girl, you support Arsenal……only because of Freddie Ljungberg and Thierry Henry
  • There’s valeez on top of your wardrobe.
  • There’s ribbons on the handles because that’s the only way your mum believes she will recognise them, but they so tatty you can spot the suitcases a mile off anyways.
  • Your whole generation comes to see you in the week before you go to Mauritius…. But only because they want you to take parcels back home for them “to capaav amen en parcel pour mo MAMA!!”
  • Your luggage is like a tonne overweight but yet your parents argue with check-in people.
  • Your dad then tries to find someone Mauritian working at the airport that he supposedly knows.
  • You’re one of the only Mauritian people on the plane…and have more hand luggage than everyone else put-together.
  • That’s because you’re taking so many random gift requests when going there and bringing back so much zasaar and piment confi that leaks when returning.
  • The whole of Mauritius comes to pick you up from the Mahebourg airport upon arrival
  • The first things uncles and aunties in Mauritius say when they see you is “gette coumant lin vin graaand” and “qui class to pe faire?”
  • Mosquitoes suck the living daylights out of your sweet English blood.
  • The whole of Mauritius comes to drop you off at the airport when you’re returning to England….and you always go 6 hours before the plane departs then just doss around the airport after checking-in…and still manage to be late boarding the plane.
  • The plane you take from Mauritius always leaves at night……Either Air Mauritius or British Airways…economy class of course…tickets from a Mauritian travel agent in London…Goldwing or Imbel…so that their cheaper…yeah right.
  • Your parents are always shocked by how quickly Mauritius ‘pe devlopeh’ yet you still think its look exactly the same since the last time you went…. The year before.
  • All the Mauritius uncles are always going to Singapore and Malaysia for bizness
  • Mauritius family think your richer than the queen just because 'to anglais’.
  • You normally slag off Britain but when they call you ‘anglais pochis’ in Mauritius you get very defensive and patriotic.
  • Your mum gets excited when she sees part of a Bollywood film shot in Mauritius and thinks she can see your uncles house.
  • You know the words to the big Bollywood tunes without having a clue what they mean.
  • You will only be found watching Indian films with subtitles.
  • You just can’t get enough of good old Mauritian Dhal Pourri.
  • Your parents think Thermogene (vapour rub) is the cure for everything.
  • Whenever you’re ill, random aunties give some next style remedies “buoille en peu cresson lerla to kraaz zaizam avec to boir li sek”
  • How many vieux pairs of sulyeh and savat are in the cupboard under the stairs?
  • You love to eavesdrop if you can hear people speaking Creole in a public place…and you feel like your part of some secret society because you can understand what they’re saying.
  • You have that random filthy rich uncle somewhere in the suburbs who has 10 cars and a 10 bedroom house and the only family occasion they would turn up to is a rare wedding.
  • You have either live or have family in Croydon, Tooting,Walthamstow, Wood Green, Tottenham, Edmonton, Leyton, Finsbury Park…

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

also; [for girls] your hair graines because you don't use 10 bottles of almond oil in it and
when you go to friends birthday parties you have to take all your brothers and sisters with you.

Anonymous said...

hiya well watever u have said are right hv no complain but would really like to correct something

(MOSQUITOES SUCK THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOUR SWEET MAURITIAN BLOOD)

they just wanted to welcome u back by kissing u thats it

sim_ _ _ from ireland

Nav (kumal) said...

definitely sim! moisuitoes are just misunderstood :)

Nav (kumal) said...

typo! meant 'mosquitoes'..but i think its obvious

Anonymous said...

... the Mauricien working at the airport whom everyone's Dad supposedly knows is called Vel..! lol

Shyam said...

A PAIR OF DHAL PURI AND A GLASS OF ALOUDA IN BAZAR PORT LOUIS!!!!!!

Thats true mauritian....

Anonymous said...

I was born in England and come from a Mauritian family. These statements are so realistic they should be considered as facts, tipicment mauricien lol

Anonymous said...

Pas blier nous mauriens dans le nord! Ena ene paquet qui reste Huddersfield et Manchester tout!!!

Were your parents the only ones who seemd to drage you to the fish market to buy "ourite" too?

Anonymous said...

How is it gossip always sounds better " quand ou p koze palabe" ?

Ben Humphrey said...

Just returned from visiting Mauritian wife's family for 5th time and all is TRUE Very Funny, Missed or I didnt see..
Everyone you visit, you must eat and drink, Mange et Boire
And always ask Rhum??
Love it!

nid said...

that was fun to read! :D For me not all of them are true cuz i was born in mauritius and i live in canada. and LOL @ "the whole mauritius is waiting for you at the airport" XD

Anonymous said...

One mistake. All the Mauritian cheese gets finished in two weeks in my house!!!